Sandy Weiner 

Why do we avoid having a difficult conversation? In this video, I share 4 tips for easing our way into speaking about the hard stuff.

It’s easier to avoid and deflect than to be direct and kind. The first thing we need to do is stop pretending things are okay when they’re not. We lie to ourselves about many things in relationships, including sex. Rationalizing and avoiding the important things begins to erode the relationship.

It’s scary to have a difficult conversation. We’re afraid of hearing the hard truth. But, without truth and authenticity, there can be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. And we can’t have true intimacy without honesty. Having the courage to speak up and be open to what’s really true is part of having a mature relationship.

Watch the video

4 Tips for Having a Difficult Conversation

1. Value long-term thinking instead of short-term thinking. Short-term thinking is, “I think I’ll keep this to myself. I’d rather not fight.” Long-term thinking is, “I want a long term relationship with this person, and I want to build more trust. Therefore, I need to have the courage to have this tough conversation.” Focusing on the bigger picture, WHY it’s important to have the conversation and what’s at stake if you don’t, will help you let go of your fear.
2. Learn to regulate your emotions. It’s so important to get centered and calm yourself down when you’re upset. Close your eyes. Breathe in and out through your nose. Focus on the cool air going on and the warm air going out. That stops your brain from being anxious. When you’re calm, you can have a more rational conversation instead of one that’s laced with defensiveness and criticism.
3. Be vulnerable about how hard this is for you. It’s okay to say, “This is hard for me.” If you have a specific fear, like you’re going to say something that might turn off your partner, state your fear and then ask for what you want. 
4. Let go of the outcome. Don’t try to control or predict what your partner will say. Have the courage to be open to uncertainty. Being open and curious, rather than attached to an outcome, will help you connect more deeply.

The more you practice having these types of conversations, the better off you’re going to be; for yourself, your partner, and for ALL your relationships.