During a recent interview on Stephen Colbert (before the writer’s strike!), Jason Segel told a story making a connection with a young woman working at an ice cream store. “Right before the pandemic, I went through a breakup,” he began. “It was very, very hard. So to make myself feel better, I had gone out for an ice cream.”

The attractive and friendly employee behind the counter immediately recognized him, and shared how much she enjoyed his movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. She went on to say that his long-running TV show “How I Met Your Mother” was one of her all-time favorites. He was even more touched when, as he turned to go, she said: “Never forget the joy you bring to the world.”

Then the pandemic shut everything down. However, the ice cream store stayed open for pickup and deliveries. When Jason was feeling especially isolated, he would order ice cream. The first time he received his ice cream delivery, he was delighted to see a handwritten note on the bag which read: “Never forget the joy you bring to the world.”

Ah! Jason was excited that the young woman had remembered him. Even better, she had thought to tell him again — with the message on the bag — what a difference he was making with his comedic and acting skills.

Fast forward to a few months later when Jason placed an ice cream order for pickup. He went to the store hoping to see the young woman. On his way to the entrance, he passed a man coming out with an order. As Jason glanced absentmindedly at the man’s bag, he spotted the words written there: “Never forget the joy you bring to the world.”

It hit him! What Jason believed had been a personal message from the ice cream store employee to him was in fact the store’s motto. The connection he thought he had made turned out to be just an employee just doing her job!

Why Our Connection Meter Sometimes Malfunctions

We all want to be noticed. We all appreciate compliments. And taking it up a level, we all want to feel we matter to someone.

So, just like Jason Segel, we can be predisposed to assume we have made a connection where there is none, or at least not one at the level we want. Ever happen to you?

Here are three reasons why we think we are making a true connection, but aren’t:

• We misinterpret – Always in a hurry, we may not be listening carefully enough to what is being said. We interpret a message thinking the person wants a deeper connection, when what was really said was perhaps just a pleasantry.
• We assume – We hear what we want to hear. The Jason Segel story is an illustration. He thought the words he heard were the beginning of a deeper emotional connection, never stopping to consider that same phrase was being spoken to everyone.
• We project our thoughts on someone else – We like someone, so surely they must like us too. We credit the other person with having our feelings, not theirs.

Don’t Be a Pollyanna!

Remember the movie “Pollyanna”? A beloved fictional character played by actress Hayley Mills, Pollyanna was an orphan who approached life’s challenges with positive optimism. No mood  was too difficult for her to lighten. She always took the high road with every challenge.

Pollyanna’s greatest strength was that she always assumed good intent. And that attitude was also her greatest weakness when her optimistic outlook wasn’t grounded in realism.

So rather than being a Pollyanna in thinking everyone wants to connect with you, be a realistic connector. Listen for what is being said, don’t assume, and don’t project your thoughts on someone else.

DO bring your own joy to the world by thoughtfully and sincerely building connections with people you meet. Ready, start, go! You can do it, and I want to hear about your experiences at Ann@AnnLouden.com.