At the start of the new year, we all feel productive getting organized and putting our proverbial ducks in a row. Everything feels new and manageable.

I like seeing a blank calendar which isn’t yet filled with obligations, appointments, and deadlines. I like imagining all the adventures the next twelve months could bring. I like all the shiny and new.

Recently, my insurance company mailed me a 2024 membership card. With it came the urgent instructions to shred the old one and to notify all my medical providers that only the new card would work.

Out with the old. In with the new. Just like that.

When the card arrived, my thoughts shifted back seven years ago to the day after my divorce was finalized. Suddenly, every single thing I had always relied on was obsolete — bank accounts, credit cards, titles, how I filed my taxes, my beneficiaries, and more.

And the most jarring symbol of all was my emergency contact vaporizing into thin air.

No longer could I enter my ex-husband’s name on medical forms without giving another thought to the decision. At 20, my one and only daughter was too young (and frankly too inexperienced) to be shouldering the burden of being the proxy for her mother’s unexpected health issues.

Who else could or should serve as my emergency contact? Giving serious thought to my options revealed how important the decision really is. Have you been faced with such a dilemma?

How Soon is Too Soon in Dating to Name Your Emergency Contact

So routine is the request for an emergency contact that we are expected to have a ready answer. For singles, that question is harder. When we are not in a permanent relationship, we scan the horizon to determine who fits. Friends? Family? A neighbor?

Should you consider broaching the subject to a love interest? Yes, provided you are heading towards or in a committed relationship and believe and trust in that person. After all, we hope and want our partners to accept the role. But evaluating relationship status is important!

Mistaking Having a Relationship for Having Security

In my work as a dating and relationship coach, I often encounter clients who identify security as the number one reason for seeking a new relationship. Even more than wanting romance, they yearn for the protection and safety that being in a permanent relationship could bring.

I say “could” bring, because although everyone wants stability with a partner, relationships can and do disappoint. To be secure with a partner means having complete confidence that your partner will always be there for you. It means that so long as you are in the relationship, you will never have to bear your burdens alone.

You can be in a relationship – and by default, list your partner as your emergency contact – and still not have the safety and stability you require.

Here are four ways to know if your relationship is secure:

1) You are free to be vulnerable. You don’t have to edit yourself in what you share. You feel comfortable allowing another person into your life.

2) Your partner is physically present for you. When you need your partner to accompany you, your partner is there, providing strength when you feel unsure. You are never physically alone when you want or need company.

3) Your partner listens to you. You are free to discuss your fears without feeling diminished or ignored. Your partner validates you by hearing your concerns without dismissing them and provides feedback that helps you make difficult choices.

4) Your partner anticipates what you need. Your partner is one step ahead, imagining how to alleviate your stress, to investigate and gather information, and to summarize and analyze your options.

Naming an Emergency Contact is Saying “I Believe in You”

In our most intimate relationships, we yearn for love, loyalty, commitment, companionship, and support. If you are fortunate enough to have all this with your emergency contact, say thank you! When you write that name, you trust them to do right by you. You are saying you believe they will. And THAT deserves your gratitude.

Let me hear about your dating life and what commitment means to you. I would love to know. Write to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com.