We have all heard the expression. “She’s really good with people” someone will remark. We all nod in recognition, thinking we know what the description suggests. But have we ever really stopped to consider what the phrase means?

Perhaps the most generally accepted definition would be a person who can talk to anybody. But does that say enough?

Yes, we all have an ability to offer a greeting, to make a passing comment about the weather, to ask a question, to provide directions. But is that what being good with people is about?

Let’s dig deeper.

How do you know if you are a people person?

If you wish to get along well with others beyond superficial verbal glad handing, make the commitment to become expertly socially competent. You must have the desire to effectively connect with others in a way that satisfies both you and them.

First, consider your own preferences. Do you welcome the chance to meet new people? Or does it feel like an effort, not a natural inclination?

I have a friend who would tell you he’s more interested in processes than people. He considers the obligation of meeting new people a burden rather than a pleasure. Why? Because he’s not particularly fascinated by the lives of others. It is not instinctive to him to “dig deep”, as Eleanor Roosevelt suggested.

I have another friend who is delighted at the prospect of going into a room of strangers and finding out more about the people who are there. She scans the room, deciding who to talk to and then moves the conversation along by asking insightful questions.

Secondly, evaluate your emotional reaction. Are you apprehensive or excited to meet someone new? If you are responsible for guiding the conversation, do you feel intimidated or engaged?

Be honest with yourself. If you get anxious thinking about meeting new people, that’s a clue to the amount of work you needed to evolve into a people person.

Assuming you are happy to engage with people, we would call you a connector: a person who welcomes expanding professional and personal circles by investing in relationships.

But what if you don’t believe you are a connector and you want to be. How can you become more comfortable connecting?

Ten people skills anyone can develop

We all find ourselves with people who are not like us. As an example, imagine you are in a group of physicians, and you do not have a medical background. You wonder how you can best relate.

Here are ten tips to connect with anyone:

1. Be curious. In the example above, think about your own experiences as a patient. What do you wonder about physician staffing, the healthcare industry, and future trends?
2. People provide clues about what matters to them by the topics they discuss. Be attuned to what they care about and take the conversation in that direction.
3. Remember that everyone you meet is looking for affirmation, direction, and hope. (Yes, that includes physicians!) A simple affirmation might be acknowledging the rigorous education and serious commitment required to start a medical career.
4. Be friendly. Be conscious of your body language which demonstrates enjoyment of being in the company of others. Smile. Lean in. Maintain eye contact. Your warmth is what will be remembered.
5. Keep an open mind. Resist the temptation of forming a preconceived opinion. Until you know others, you can have no idea how they feel or think or what moves them.
6. Assume positive intent. Your attitude makes an enormous difference in the way you approach people. Give people credit for meaning well until they prove otherwise.
7. Decide what you want to learn. Consider what others can teach you and ask about their subject matter expertise. Most people are flattered to share their knowledge.
8. Don’t give up. It’s harder to break the ice with some people than others. But it’s worth trying more than once. (Consider the power of the second date!)
9. Remember it’s not a contest. Even if you felt you missed the mark in conversation, no one is judging you. People are not evaluating the conversation as a performance.
10. Be vulnerable. When you share about yourself, it creates the chance for reciprocity. Your sincerity makes you authentic. And that is what will make you memorable.

Be the person who is good with people by finding joy in connecting. Let me the people person skills that best serve you. Write to me at Ann@AnnLouden.com.