I used to think I knew my “type”:  a tall, handsome, debonair, full-head-of-dark wavy hair romantic who was also an accomplished and respected executive. Perhaps a lawyer, or a doctor, or a CEO. He’d definitely be a person I could learn from, with whom I would share intellectual conversations and candlelit dinners, (perhaps not at the same time!) and who loved to travel. He’d adore music and Broadway, going out, and dressing well.

What else? I envisioned a confident confidante who would be there to support me through life’s challenges, a person innately emotionally intelligent who “got” me without even trying. And while I was at it, this hoped-for lover would be both an impulsive and passionate adventurer, and a meticulous and creative planner. I just knew he also should be a thoughtfully responsible and obsessively organized person just like my oh-so-particular grandmother, who instilled an appreciation for those qualities in me.

Then I grew up and realized that no one person could ever be everything I yearned for. In fact, I also realized that men who did not at all fit the description in my head were interestingly appealing.

Little by little, I gave up the notion that “movie star” looks would be first on my list of non-negotiables. As we get buffeted around by life, we begin to recognize that while a person’s outward appearance may be one of the reasons we are drawn to them, it is certainly never the only factor.

For starters, physical beauty fades over time. If we are lucky enough to live to the age where young people see us as “old” (even though we don’t see ourselves the same way!), we appreciate a romantic partner for much more than physical attributes.

As author Susan Cain memorably says, in the right lighting, we all shine.

What’s makes for the “right lighting”? Having an open-minded attitude about what personal characteristics are attractive that have nothing to do with appearance.

What are the non-physical qualities that make a person attractive to you?

Five attractive qualities to look for in the people you date

Once we get past the idea that physical looks supersede other considerations, we can begin to make a more realistic list of what’s important to us in the people we might want to date.

Here are five qualities that carry great weight in how appealing a person is:

1. Caring for others. Are you as drawn as I am to people who get invested in those around them? The people who give back to their communities, who demonstrate generosity to others, and who show empathy are always frontrunners for my interest.

Emma Watson puts it this way: “I find someone who is passionate about making the world a better place very attractive. Compassion and empathy are the sexiest qualities.”

2. Demonstrating friendliness. Being approachable and accessible begins with kindly acknowledging the presence of another person. Whether it’s a welcoming tone on a phone call, or a smile that lights up a first meeting, or being fun to talk to, a friendly person makes it ever so much easier for you to relate.

3. Being present. Have you been with people who don’t give you their full attention? How does it make you feel? In contrast, being with a person who makes eye contact, really hears what you are saying, and responds appropriately, builds closeness and connection.

Reese Witherspoon explains it like this: “I think a good listener is incredibly attractive. Being able to authentically engage is a rare and beautiful quality.”

4. Being honest about who you are. No one is everything. Said another way, each of us has unique attributes and has achieved accomplishments which we should willingly acknowledge and be proud of. We also should feel comfortable sharing who we are not. Having authenticity is what allows other people to know us for who we truly are.

Ryan Gosling offers this perspective: “Someone who is self-aware and introspective shows they are constantly striving to grow and improve.”

5. Exhibiting calm under pressure. As chaotic as our daily lives and the world around us can be, finding a person with an even-keeled temperament is incredibly reassuring and comforting. Instead of inciting drama, an “unflappable in a crisis” person can bring serenity to your life.

These are just a few of the attractive qualities which could draw others to you, and you to them. My advice is to think carefully about what “your type” romantic partner is, and then make your own list of the attributes you’d value.

I would enjoy reading about what’s most important to you. Write to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com.