Growing up, I was told the way to keep from getting into trouble in conversations with strangers was to avoid the topics of religion and politics. Looking back on that advice today, talking about religion seems downright safe compared to revealing one’s political allegiance!

I can’t put my finger on the exact moment when our national consciousness shifted from tolerance for other points of views to a descent into parochialism, argument, and blaming. The transition was gradual, like watching a child growing up and knowing their appearance is changing, without being able to say when and how it happened.

The first sign of the switch was realizing there were no guardrails about what people say on social media. At least a decade ago, I recall looking at the comments section of a movie review and being shocked at how personally vicious the messages were. It wasn’t enough for commenters to dislike the movie; they struck out at the actors with personal attacks. Rather than evaluate the plot, the special effects, or the writing, reviewers went on a rampage about how an actress was unattractive, had an irritating voice, or how an actor was past his prime.

Once hateful or mean commentary becomes the socially acceptable norm, we are given tacit approval to speak in ways that would never have previously been considered polite or reasonable. Instead of thinking about the impact of our words to cut or harm, we now have been granted permission to say whatever we feel. This new uncordial world creates distancing, the temptation to retaliate, and a gradual decline in civility.

How to stay connected in times of disagreement and dissension

I’ve been thinking about how we can all do better, especially in a divisive election year. I applaud what author David Brooks suggests in his new book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. Rather than exerting all our energy on out-arguing each other over our political beliefs, he suggests we reevaluate how we spend our time.

While acknowledging that we are deeply polarized, Brooks says there is only one solution: getting to know others on a personal level by seeking out real conversations.

What’s the value of real conversation?

Seeing the world from the other person’s point of view.

We may think we know who someone is based on how they vote. But until we talk with them, we can’t understand their feelings, their backgrounds, their beliefs or their values.

“We spend too much time thinking about politics,” Brooks explains, “and not enough time on the things that really matter, which are having courage and honesty, being honorable and being capable of great love.”

5 tips for authentically connecting through conversation

1. Start every conversation with a smile. When you see a friendly face, you are disarmed. There is less a temptation to put up your guard. You begin getting to know someone with a genuine openness, not with an instinct to protect your flanks.
2. Learn to ask questions because you are curious, not because you are probing. The only way to really understand another person is to find out more about them. Often people don’t know what to share unless asked. When you care enough to inquire, you fling the door open to an authentic conversational connection.
3. Think about what you hear vs. what you plan to say next. Being a good listener means really listening, rather than being distracted by turning over in your head the points you want to be sure to make. When you listen and then respond, that’s a real conversation.
4. Stay calm. Resolve not to get ruffled; it takes two people to turn the mood of a conversation from tolerant to antagonistic. You can disagree, but don’t take a comment personally and then use it as a springboard to strike back.
5. Respect the other person’s point of view. Drop the judgment. Each of us comes at our viewpoints in unique ways: our experiences, our base of knowledge, our outlook, our hopes and our dreams. While it is easier to speak with someone who agrees with us, it is also possible to learn from and appreciate those who see life differently.

David Brooks reminds us that “human beings” are continual works in progress. Give those you connect with the benefit of grace by getting to know them on a personal level.

Please let me know how this approach works to help you build better connections. Write to me at Ann@AnnLouden.com.