The Language of Connection

Have you ever wondered whether the words you use accurately convey what you intend?  When the stakes are highest – for a presentation or speech or crucial interpersonal interaction — we don’t leave it to chance. We draft notes, rehearse, and ask for feedback. But for everyday conversations, we often give less thought to our approach.

And yet, our daily interactions create an overall impression of who we are. If we are invested in being connectors and want to build richer relationships, we must be intentional about how we communicate.

Using conversation to build deeper connections can become second nature. But first you must know what your communication style is, and if it makes you accessible.

Three Elements of Communication

We don’t often stop and analyze how we communicate. There are legitimate reasons. For starters, until we hear ourselves on tape or in a video, we can’t accurately recall what we said. And unless we ask, we don’t know how our words landed for the recipients.

Ever had the experience of talking with a professional colleague or a family member about a challenging topic? When the conversation concluded, you may have patted yourself on the back, thinking it went very well. Later, you are blindsided to learn that what you said wasn’t received in the way you intended. How is it possible there could be such a wide gap of understanding?

For answers, let’s examine three elements of communication:

• Intent – the meaning you want to convey. Be clear on what outcome you want your words to have.
• Content – the words that deliver your message. Search your vocabulary for the clearest way to express your intent.
• Tone – how your voice impacts the listener. Consider the speed at which you talk, the volume and pitch of your voice, and the mood you invoke.

Take the example of telling a child to straighten a room or asking a work colleague to meet a project deadline.

The intent of your message is to persuade the child or colleague to act.  The content is the words you use to make your intent clear. The tone is the way you speak that message to get the result you want.

There are infinite ways to communicate the same point, each with different words, emotions and clarity.

With the child you wish to clean the room, the message might be delivered as playful, kind, frustrated, or harsh. Depending on it is received, the content and tone could inspire a cooperative, defensive, or a defiant response.

For the work colleague told to meet a project deadline, the communication could be delivered in a thoughtful, excitable, demanding, or even punitive way.  The word choice and tone could then spark a range of responses including agreement, confusion, or pushback.

The response is never preordained. The way it is received depends on content and delivery!

Four Useful Phrases to Build Connection

Every time we want to communicate to connect, there are four key phrases that will sweeten the conversation. Use one or all to accomplish your connection communication goals.

• “How Can I Help?” When you offer your assistance, the recipient of your communication immediately relaxes, realizing they don’t have to go it alone. Your support encourages their cooperation.
• “Let’s Solve This Together.” When you indicate you’ll help identify how to achieve the desired result, the chance for collaboration builds a deeper connection. Reframing the project as a puzzle to be solved makes the project more manageable.
• “What Do You Think?” Asking for input is a compelling way to enrich the conversation. And the exchange of ideas will both clarify the project objective and provide an opportunity for creative solutions.
• “Thank you!” When you express gratitude, the recipient becomes motivated to keep earning your appreciation. In The Bear, the hit streaming TV series about a high-pressure environment in a Chicago restaurant, the principal characters constantly repeat the phrase “Thank you, Chef” to acknowledge the effort of their colleagues. These words encourage continued excellence and a productive workplace culture.

To paraphrase Oprah Winfrey, doing your best to communicate effectively now will position you to foster even stronger communications in the future. So, I hope you will commit to being an effective connector, both to deepen your relationships and to enhance your personal and professional life. I can’t wait to hear about your successes at Ann@AnnLouden.com