If you’ve taken the plunge and started dating by going online, you have quickly discovered a whole new world. Memories of dating years ago before the dawn of dating apps feel positively prehistoric and irrelevant. We can’t call on the skills we had “back then” to help us navigate the challenges of getting comfortable with dating today, especially online.

In the April 21, 2024 issue of the New York Times Magazine, author Maggie Jones writes a fascinating article called “Coming of Age” about re-entering the dating world through online dating apps. Prior to signing on, her only familiarity was watching her college age daughter furiously swiping through guy after guy on her phone.

Maggie couldn’t understand how her daughter was able to move so rapidly through profiles she was shown. “Wait”, she kept saying. “Slow down. How do you know? What’s wrong with him? Or him?” she asked her daughter.

Watching her daughter, Maggie discovered for that generation using the apps is second nature. They scroll while working, commuting, watching TV, and exercising. In fact, the pull to frequently check the apps can be so addictively compelling it interferes with other obligations.

Maggie describes her own 18-month experience on the apps as a mixed bag: “I’ve felt waves of excitement, hope, frustration, boredom, and discouragement. I’ve gone on great and not-so-great dates, had relationships and ended them, paused and restarted apps, over and over again.”

From my own online dating journey and that of others I have coached, Maggie’s reflections ring 100% true. I have met really great people, and also had many forgettable encounters.

The universal advantage about online dating is that you will meet people you would never run across in daily life. For me, that included an actor who taught me how to ballroom dance, a sailor who invited me to Sweden to sail on his boat, a banker who employed his DIY skills to build furniture for my apartment, and a lawyer/chef who spoiled me with glorious meals.

Four surprises about dating online

When you choose to date online, there are three certainties:

1) you will experience a wave of emotions.

2) you will have both success and disappointment.

3) you will enter a digital world, both foreign and intriguing.

Knowing the givens in advance helps you stay realistic with expectations and be prepared for the inevitable surprises that come with an online dating journey.

Surprise #1: Mastering the technology

Dating online is a process that requires use of a computer or phone, or both. The steps are: choosing what app(s) you like, signing up, creating your profile to include a bio and current photos, and defining the parameters for profiles you want shown to you. Those parameter demographics might include age, geography, education, professional experience or other options, depending on what the app offers. Once you’ve figured out how to use the app technology, you’re on your way to making it work for you.

Surprise #2: Combing through the sea of profiles  

There was a reason that Maggie’s daughter was hastily swiping through the profiles on that summer afternoon. She and you are shown hundreds of profiles which at first is overwhelming. How do you decide which to pursue and which to discard? The first cut is usually made by reacting to the photo. The second cut is deciding if the bio is appealing. These two pieces of information are the primary clues you’ll analyze to decide if you’d like to be matched to the individual whose profile you are shown. Relax, and take them one at a time!

Surprise #3: Dealing with poor communicators

Get ready to read poorly conceived messages, find yourself stunned at easy words which are misspelled, and be appalled at the lack of basic grammar and punctuation that appear in the profile chats. Once you get over the shock, you’ll see it’s an easy way to weed people out. And when you do match with a person who communicates well, you’ll be thrilled!

Surprise #4: Being ghosted  

Just when you think you have developed a rapport with a potential match with back-to back messaging, bantering, and making plans to meet, the person abruptly stops communicating. They disappear. They vanish. And you are left blindsided and questioning what went wrong.

If you date online, I can 100% guarantee you will deal with all these surprises. Will you survive them? Yes! I wish you luck and would love to hear how it goes at Kate@KateSomerset.com