First observed in October 1981 as a national “Day of Unity,” Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) is held each October as a way to unite advocates across the nation in their efforts to end domestic violence. Victim advocates, allied professionals, survivors of abuse, their loved ones and the surrounding community come together to mourn the lives lost to domestic violence, celebrate the progress that has been made to end this epidemic and connect with others working to create change.

HOW ARE WE REALLY DOING?

Statistics and data show that there was no significant change in the prevalence of domestic abuse in the last year by people aged 16-59 years compared with the previous year. In fact, the summary of their estimates documented a 7.9% increase.

Every day three women are murdered in the United States by their boyfriends or intimate partners.

Every year 1.2 million women are forcibly raped by their current or former male partner. This translates into an average 24 people per minute who are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States.

Also, 26.4% of female college students experience rape or sexual assault over the course of their college career, while  25% of high school girls have been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.

From the beginning of the studied time period in 2018 to the end of 2021, there was an overall 7.1% increase in domestic violence shootings.

Black and Native American women are killed by their male partners at a rate that is two and a half times that of white or Asian women.

Globally, as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.

These statistics do not include emotional, psychological and verbal abuse.

Despite all of the relationship self-help books, relationship therapists, love coaches, relationship podcasts, retreats and rehabs, we are continuing to spiral downward when it comes to finding and maintaining healthy relationships. Why is this happening? And more importantly, what, if anything, are we prepared to do about it?

Over the past 35 years as a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to treat thousands of men, women and children from every walk of life, religion, race, socioeconomic background and sexual orientation. The majority of my patients initially contact me because of anxiety, depression and relationship problems.

For many, their symptoms were related to trauma that they experienced in their relationships beginning with their own families of origin, that they carried forward into their intimate relationships as adults. Their “skeletons in the closet” and unresolved issues from their past were preventing them from living happy and peaceful lives in the present. Many of my patients who grew up in emotionally, physically, sexually and verbally abusive homes unfortunately and unconsciously continued the pattern, often choosing partners (like their parents) who far too often abused and neglected them in a variety of ways.

HOW OUR SCHOOLS CAN HELP                                                             

To break destructive, generational relationship patterns, our schools can become one of the most important institutions to begin the process. They’re the one place that have a captive audience of young people from an early age. Day in and day out for years, they teach our young people the fundamentals of reading and writing and science and history and math in order to prepare them for higher learning and careers. Given the youth mental health crisis and the uptick in domestic violence and teenage dating abuse statistics, it seems more than reasonable to expect schools  on an ongoing basis to devote a considerable amount of time to teaching the students about healthy relationships. Research, however, highlights significant gaps in evidence about the effectiveness of  current relationship education programs. Educators, psychologists, administrators in dialogue with young people need to all work together to design and implement relationship education programs that speak to the needs and interests of our students and actually work!

If not now, when?

EVIDENCE-BASED GOOD NEWS                                                        

My personal and professional experience has taught me that if we ever hope to have a successful relationship with anyone the following criteria must be met:

Each person must be in a good place emotionally and psychologically. This can only happen if people are willing to deal with their own issues (past and present), that continue to get in the way of their life and relationships. As I used to tell my own daughter, “the relationship needs to be the ‘icing on the cake.’ We need to be the cake.”

We need to have clarity about what ingredients actually go into a healthy relationship.

We need to be willing to take our time (my research found that it takes about a year), to really find out who someone is and is not. The process of assessment and discovery is critical and cannot be fast-forwarded.

Before doing my research with 450 people in the Boston, Providence and Connecticut areas, which culminated in my book, For Better, for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, I would frequently meet someone and say, “I just met a terrific or lovely person.” Today, I would never make such a statement. I would now say that I met someone who appeared to be terrific or lovely and I remind myself that it will take about a year to know them more fully and find out if indeed they are who they appeared to be in the beginning. In our natural desire to connect and find love, we too frequently try to fast-forward the process of getting to know someone. This is exactly one of the primary reasons that we continue to put ourselves at risk.

The reality is that we spend more time researching cars, computers, grams of fat, lipsticks, creams and real estate than we do our partners. For those of you who are serious about doing an accurate relationship assessment, I encourage you to read my book and study and take to heart my 10-step formula for assessing who’s right or wrong for you before committing to any serious relationship. My unromantic formula will change the way that you look at relationships forever. It will educate, empower and above all else, keep you safe!