As the first big celebration of a new year, Comedian Jim Gaffigan puts the month in its place:

“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.”

Can you remember back to elementary school and your first awareness of Valentine’s Day? Those were easy celebrations. Moms bought boxed Valentines and cupcakes for classroom exchanges, and the excitement of the holiday revolved around eating all that sugar.

When you got to middle school (or junior high as we called it then), a sweaty-palmed boy might have asked you to be his Valentine. You didn’t think much about his giant case of nerves. But you may recall feeling slightly smug knowing someone cared enough to think you were special.

In the teenage years, things got more complicated. Boys felt obligated to create a memorable occasion for Valentine’s, that is, if they had a girlfriend. Girls never planned their own Valentine’s and felt awful if they didn’t have a boyfriend, especially if the day fell on a weekend.

We’ve gotten more enlightened as adults, recognizing that Valentine’s can be as much a celebration of platonic love as it is romantic affection. The day is not about “boy meets girl”, so much as it is about who we love and how we want to express it.

But the giant commercial enterprise that Valentine’s has become is driven in large part by expectations of the proper way to show romantic love.

Conan O’Brien riffs: “Today is Valentine’s Day. Or as men like to call it, Extortion Day.” 

Actually, women buy the majority of greeting cards and yes, a lot of candy. Americans (males more than women) spend millions of dollars on Valentine’s Day roses. Last year, 2.8 billion cut roses were sold in the U.S. – enough to give every adult in the country a bouquet of ten!

With all the red hearts, bouquets, and love songs, it’s difficult to ignore the holiday’s trappings.  And that can feel like too much pressure.

SEVEN WAYS TO MAKE VALENTINE’S DAY WORK FOR YOU

Whether you are in a relationship this year or not, Valentine’s can conjure up lots of memories, both good and bad. For some, it’s a day to get through. For others, it’s a joyous occasion. Either way, taking charge of how you want to spend Valentine’s puts you in the driver’s seat.

Here are seven ideas for your Valentine’s this year:

• Make plans. If you want to stay in, do it! If you want to go out, decide who you want to be with and where you want to go. Then make the arrangements. Whether you pamper yourself or celebrate with others, taking the initiative gives you control.
•  Do something you’ve never done before. One of the best Valentines I ever had was a Galentine’s event with a handful of women I cared about and who cared about me. Everyone was thrilled to be invited and to spend time together without any men!
•  Banish the inner monologue. Quit telling yourself that Valentine’s is a time to feel sorry for yourself. Remember that our attitudes and coping skills are influenced by the messages we speak to ourselves. Do things that bring joy throughout the day/evening.
• Stay in the moment. A good way to avoid disappointment about any future event not meeting expectations is not projecting unrealistic demands on yourself for how it goes.
•  Avoid social media traps. Ignore the urge to scroll and compare. Your self-worth or relationship status has no bearing on what you do or don’t do on Valentine’s.
•  Practice gratitude. Reflect on all the ways you are loved and get in touch with those you care about to let them know what they mean to you. They’ll enjoy it and so will you.
•  Engage in acts of kindness. Volunteer to help someone in need. Or surprise a friend with a unique, thoughtful gesture. Make your Valentine’s about giving, not receiving.

KEEPING IT ALL IN PERSPECTIVE

This Valentine’s, practice your own form of self-love. Don’t be like comedian Mindy Kaling who reveals: “I go straight to sadness. I just sit and cry at a ’30 Rock’ episode and eat a bag of chips. It’s so non–threatening.” Instead, take Oscar Wilde’s approach to heart: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

Take care of yourself this Valentine’s. I would love to hear about it at Kate@KateSomerset.com