Creation of a Coping Skill

 Excerpt from You are More Than You Think You Are by  Lynne Bernfield MA., MFT

Just like adults, when children are hurt or frightened their brain registers danger, it drops a cortisol and adrenaline cocktail into their bloodstream, and they get the scary fight/flight response.  But children can neither fight whatever is hurting them or scaring them or run away from it and they don’t have the ability to self-soothe. They’re stuck with bad feelings unless someone comforts them. When comforted their brain drops serotonin into their bloodstream easing the bad feelings. They learn bad feelings won’t last. If not comforted the bad feelings don’t stop. The child learns that once they start bad feelings won’t stop. This is unendurable for a child, so unable to self-soothe, the brain comes up with the next best solution; it creates a Coping Skill to distract the child from the bad feelings

Uncomforted children not only grow up without the ability to self-soothe, but they also often adopt ‘expendable,’ or ‘flawed’ Cover Stories which force them to accept unacceptable behavior without complaint.

Small children may distract themselves by sucking their thumb or banging their head against the crib. As they get older their Coping Skills evolve. Although designed to protect them, like their Cover Story, their Coping Skill can undermine them later in life.

Jay’s father was critical and punitive. Jay was terrified of disappointing him. His Cover Story became ‘I’m cautious,’ and his Coping Skill ‘obsessive thinking.’ Today, when Jay has a decision to make, he obsessively examines every option. Even after making a choice, he still needs to reconsider it. He knows he wastes a lot of time, but he can’t stop. The constant thinking protects him from the fear of getting it wrong, which would bring back his childhood terror.

Hidden Wounds

As there are no perfect parents and therefore no perfect childhoods, most of us grow up with wounds. Some are minor, some major, but all keep us from being the person we really are. Most people don’t realize they’re wounded; they believe they’re just the way they are. They say things like “I’m shy” “I get so angry,” or “I’m just an anxious person.” Until you question these ideas, you’re limited to living out beliefs and behaviors you learned in the first years of your life. Fortunately, childhood wounds can be healed but you must know you have one before you can heal it.

What is a wound?

Any negative belief about yourself is a wound.

Justine was smart, but she didn’t know it. Her parents were overwhelmed and mostly ignored her. Justine’s life was chaotic, she couldn’t concentrate in school and got bad grades. Her ‘I’m not smart’ Cover Story and a ‘keep your head down’ Coping Skill caused her to settle for a boring clerical job, instead of applying to college. Her wound kept her from benefiting from her intelligence.

Any self-defeating behavior is a wound.

Five-year-old Suzie and her mother attended a friend’s Christmas party. There were presents for all the children. Each child got a number designating when they could pick a present. Suzie got #1. Thrilled, she leapt up and picked the biggest one. “Put that down” her mother scolded “it’s not nice to pick the biggest present.” Humiliated, Suzie dropped the gift, picked the smallest one and scuttled back to her mother. In that moment Suzie learned asking for what she wanted was dangerous. At thirty-five her “don’t want” Cover Story and ‘don’t ask’ Coping Skill, keep her from asking for what she wants from her friends, husband, colleagues, children, or the person who cleans her house.

Physical cues tell you you’re experiencing a wound.

When you were wounded the cortisol and adrenaline cocktail that dropped into you blood stream created an unpleasant physical sensation in your body i.e. shortness of breath, tingling fingers, a pain in your back, head, or shoulders, light-headedness, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or other discomfort.

When her mother shamed her little Suzie’s face flushed hot.

When an experience in the present resembles the original wounding, your brain triggers the original physical sensation.

Today, when Suzie wants to ask for what she wants her cheeks burn.

When you don’t realize your wound is stopping you from doing what you want to do, you have to invent a reason to explain it.

Suzie tells herself she doesn’t really need it.

If, as a child, you were unfairly criticized, shamed, frightened, or abandoned. If you were expected to do things you couldn’t do, or in some other way, were hurt, shocked, or traumatized, you were wounded.

If you often feel judged, hurt, lonely, jealous, suspicious, powerless, submissive, foolish, incompetent, ashamed, or cheated, you were wounded.

If you often think of yourself in negative terms or act against your best interest, you were wounded. You were forced to believe you’re less than you are. Until you heal your wounds there will be things you could do but nonetheless don’t.

Healing your wound

Instead of realizing their counterproductive actions are the result of wounds they experienced in childhood, most people criticize, blame or judge themselves. Cover Stories and Coping Skills are reflexes. Your brain initiates them without your conscious intention, making them hard habits to break. Simply recognizing you’re thinking of yourself as your Cover Story or using a counter-productive Coping Skill, however, can offer some relief. It can weaken your self-criticism and be the first step towards accessing the Undercover qualities you need to be the person you really are.

To capture the moment you’re thinking of yourself as your Cover Story or using a counter-productive Coping Skill try to notice

• when you’re describing yourself in negative terms
• when you’re engaging in self-defeating behavior
• the physical sensation you’re experiencing at the time.

The most significant obstacle to healing your wounds is the pressure you feel to honor the role you played in your family. The next chapter will describe how differentiating from your family of origin can help heal your wounds and return you to your real self.