It’s difficult to admit you’re chosen to be with someone who isn’t right for you. Particularly if you’ve invested lots of time in a relationship, you may conclude it’s easier to stay than to break it off. That’s called “settling”, and the temptation is real. After all, it’s almost always harder to say goodbye than to maintain the status quo.

Actress Anna Kendrick revealed that it took seven years to extricate herself from a relationship that wasn’t working. At first, she didn’t recognize that the relationship was abusive; her partner didn’t fit the typical patterns. When he blamed her for the issues in their relationship, she believed that she was at fault and tried to “fix” herself. Only later did she come to understand that her partner was the problem.

There’s great freedom in taking yourself out of harm’s way and allowing yourself the grace to realize that when things go bad, it may not be your fault.

Actor Heath Ledger puts it in perspective: “Eventually, you realize you never asked for too much, you were just asking the wrong person.”

Five Reasons You May Decide to Leave

There are many reasons that relationships don’t work, ranging from the toxic to the “not a good fit”. But all imperfect relationships will likely have one common denominator: you must take the initiative to name and claim the issue(s). Once you can see it, you will feel more clearheaded to take a next step.

Actress Halle Berry arrived at that conclusion, sharing both her wisdom and her vulnerability in saying:  “I don’t want to keep the wrong man.”

Here are five legitimate reasons to exit a relationship that isn’t working:

• The timing is not right. – One of you is more available than another. Factors could include work, personal, or family obligations, any of which create a lack of accessibility to each other.
•  The investment is unequal. – One of you is giving more than another in some capacity and creating an inequity which can’t be resolved. The result could be an emotional, intellectual, financial, or commitment gap which will not easily be aligned.
•  Your values aren’t synced. — You’ve come to realize that you don’t share the same values or ambitions and might not want to live your life in mutually compatible ways.
•  Your behavior is not well matched. – How you define excitement, what makes you happy, how you like spending your time, how you problem solve and resolve conflict, and how you communicate are all intrinsically important components that need to match up.
•  You are doing all the chasing. – If there isn’t reciprocal attraction, you may feel used, unappreciated, or even invisible.

Why It Never Works to Be The Chaser

When I was a teenager, I secretly rolled my eyes as my mother shared her favorite dating rule. “Play hard to get,” she insisted. “If he’s interested, he’ll be more so if you are slightly unavailable.” At the time, her advice seemed contrived. But I learned later that she was right.

Take a case study from my college experience. Harold was smart, handsome, kind, popular on campus, and the perfect catch for me, I was convinced.

All I had to do was get him to notice me.

• I sat next to him in a class. He was friendly, but not overly so.
• I asked him to accompany me to a social event. He went but never asked me out again.
• I dated a friend of his in hopes Harold would get jealous. Did he? Of course not!

Back then, I needed the insights of motivational author Gaby Bernstein: “Stop chasing people who are not meant to stay in your life. Unreciprocated love is a lesson, not a destination.” ​

Demand the best for yourself

If your current relationship doesn’t meet the standards you have set for yourself, you –and only you — have the power to change it or leave it. Recognizing when a relationship isn’t right, and the empowerment that comes from choosing to move on, is one of the most important life skills you’ll ever develop. I hope you’ll recognize the value of this skill throughout your life.

Here’s wishing you the courage and wisdom to make good relationship choices. Send your questions to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com!