Excerpt from “You Are More Than You Think You Are,” by Lynne Bernfield MA., MFT

You probably believe you and your family members are just who you and they appear to be. It’s not true. You, and all your family members are capable of being very different people. If you did the Family Pie exercise I described in the November post, you have identified your Cover Story, the qualities in your piece of the pie, and your Undercover qualities, those that are in the pie pieces of your family members. To be the person you really are, you must recognize and recover the qualities you have Undercover.

All the qualities in the family system exist in all the family members,

Let’s say, you wrote shy in your pie piece, but you wish you were outgoing. If you wrote outgoing in another family member’s pie piece you have that quality too, but it’s gone Undercover.

You might find it hard to believe family roles are interchangeable. You might think “really, my irresponsible brother is actually responsible? Tell that to my parents who are still supporting him.” If your parents have ‘responsible’ Cover Story’s, they need someone to take care of. Your brother is filling that role. Families need to be balanced; all the family roles need to continue to be played. So, If your brother suddenly became responsible someone else would have to take on his Irresponsible role. Would you want your brother’s role as the family loser? Probably not, so, without consciously intending to, you and your other family members will pressure your brother to continue acting dependent, and you to continue acting shy.

Family members may seem to support a change you want to make, but if they count on you to play your role, you’re likely to experience pushback if you try to change.

Florence’s family members worried about how hard she worked, often suggesting she “slow down.” But Florence’s role was “the organizer.” She planned the family get-togethers, sent all the holiday cards, picked everyone up from the airport and took mom and dad to the doctor. If Florence stopped being the family organizer there’d be a void no one else wanted to fill. So, when Florence tried to stop sending out the annual Christmas letter, family members twisted her arm until she gave in.

The Great Trait Swap

Sometimes circumstances force people to abandon their role. When someone stops playing their role, another family member, often an unlikely one, will step up to fill it.

As the only daughter, Joy was assigned the role of caretaker. She became a nurse. Harris, the oldest son who was quick-witted and athletic was dubbed an achiever. He became a successful businessman. Baby Brian, who couldn’t keep up with Harris, was labeled the loser. He didn’t have a steady job and lived in a trailer. Whenever mom needed help Joy dropped everything to take care of her. When Joy became ill, and Harris was too busy, Brian, to everyone’s surprise, parked his trailer at mom’s house and competently took care of her.

Even though the resistance to give up a role is very strong, when traits are swapped both people benefit. Their idea of who they are, and what they’re capable of expands. Until he stepped in to take care of mom, Brian’s need to play his role as the family loser prevented him from demonstrating how capable he was. Until illness kept Joy from playing her role as the family caretaker, she was unable to take care of her own health.

You may not believe families can be this rigidly balanced. You may think I’m exaggerating the restraints keeping you locked into a limited version of yourself. The next exercise may change your mind.

The Small Change Exercise

Choose a quality for which you’re well known. Perhaps you’re a picky eater or are you always late? Try doing the opposite of what you usually do.

Selma paid a lot of attention to her clothing. Everything she wore matched. When I suggested she try wearing two different earrings or two different socks she said even thinking of doing it made her feel “hot all over.”

Did you think of an insignificant trait? Did you, like Selma, feel some anxiety or resistance to making even this small change? If just thinking about this change makes you uneasy pass on it for now. You have your answer, even the smallest change can be hard to make if it threatens your role in the family.

If you can ignore your resistance and attempt to change anyway, be on the lookout for reactions from your family. They may tease you or make jokes about you. If the role you altered is especially important to the family, there may be expressions of concern and attempts to bring back the old you. Others may even be enlisted.

Fifty-year-old Sue hated spending weekends with her elderly parents. When she was finally able to make plans that didn’t include a family visit her parents called to say how much they missed her. When that didn’t bring her back, she began getting calls from their neighbors with concerns about their health if she didn’t visit.

We want to think we’re free agents, unencumbered by the needs and expectations of our loved ones. We don’t want to think what’s good for us could unbalance our family. But the comfort of the known is seductive. The impulse to act in a predictable way, so others will act in a predictable way, is a compelling reason not to change. No matter how much you want to be different, it’s very difficult to surrender a role your family is depending on, and your brain chemistry is demanding. In the next excerpt I’ll describe another self-defense the brain creates — Coping skills.