Have you ever been in a relationship where you literally never knew from one day to the other — and in some instances — from one moment to the next, whether your interactions with your parents, spouse, lover, colleagues, friends and even your adult children will be loving and respectful or hateful, dismissive or down-right abusive?  Any relationship that feels like you are on a never-ending roller coaster ride is dangerous mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically.  It’s impossible to feel secure and safe under these circumstances.  We often tend to make a lot of excuses for people’s bad behavior (including our own).  And when we do so, we become active and willing participants, in enabling a dynamic that is never in our best interest and in a worst-case scenario- can end in real tragedy.

Since we can’t change anyone or anyone’s behavior (only our own), the real question is this:

What is it about you, your family background or other life experiences that you might have had, that taught you (consciously or unconsciously) that it was permissible to engage in self-destructive and destructive relationships with people who you really can’t trust and feel safe around? 

Perhaps this was the way you grew up- never knowing from one day to the next what to expect. Were your parents mostly consistently loving, respectful and affectionate?  Did you grow up feeling emotionally and physically safe?  Or on the other hand, were your early child experiences one where you mostly felt that you were on a roller coaster ride with your parents.  If this was the case, it’s highly probably that this roller coaster ride dynamic became normative.   It was familiar.  It’s what you knew and experienced. In fact many of my patients (before undergoing therapy with me) who came from volatile families felt uncomfortable in relationships that were mostly stable.  They would describe them as ‘boring’.

For most people it takes some time and therapy, to understand the genesis of why we behave in the ways that we do.   It takes even more courage to be willing to acknowledge, address and resolve as best as we can (even though we can’t change our history) the things that continue to get in the way of our lives and relationships.  Once we are willing to make some necessary changes within ourselves, we are well on our way to be able to live a happier and healthier life. We now have clarity about what’s healthy, unhealthy, destructive, self-destructive and self-sabotaging.  We no longer second-guess yourselves.  We have learned to see things and people exactly as they are.  The truth really does set us free!

Case Study

I recently received an email from Dan, a 45-year-old, married financial advisor.

Dear Beatty,

 I regularly read your columns in Dan’s Papers and must confess that I have never written to a therapist before- nor have I ever been in therapy or even considered it.  I have been married to Meredith for 10 years. We have 2 children- Susie aged 8 and Simon aged 6.  In the beginning our marriage was wonderful.  We had so much in common and were really in love. Meredith is a very talented artist, who works from our home.  Her paintings are starting to be recognized by top art dealers and galleries.  Her dream was (and still is) to become a household name in the art world.

 Things changed dramatically after the birth of our second child.  Meredith had only wanted one child and when we discovered that she was pregnant with our second, she wanted to have an abortion.  I was against it and she reluctantly agreed to continue with the pregnancy.  After Simon was born, things were never the same again.  Meredith’s moods became impossible to deal with.  She was sweet one moment and was a terror the next.  I recently found her in the kitchen throwing leftovers on the floor.

 I am really worried about the children’s emotional and physical safety at times. Meredith clearly favors our daughter and is distant and dismissive with Simon.  It breaks my heart.  I have begged her to get some help.  However, at this point, she will not even consider it.

  We used to have a great sex life.  We haven’t had sex in over a year.  I have seriously been thinking about getting a divorce and sharing custody with Meredith.  However, I really don’t feel that the children would be safe with her without my daily presence and involvement.  What are your thoughts about this situation and what I should do?

Dear Dan,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Given what you have said about your wife’s moods, I too am worried for the emotional and physical safety of your children.  Here are some suggestions:

I would tell her that you are no longer willing to go on with ‘business as usual’ and that you insist that she and you together find a therapist and begin to deal with the marital and parenting issues.  You need to be loving-but firm.

If she refuses, you need to find a good therapist to talk to and begin to figure out a strategy about how best to deal with your current situation.  Naturally, the children’s well-being needs to be a top priority.

It sounds to me that Meredith’s problems go beyond just being angry and depressed.  Does she have any history of mental illness in her family?

Clearly, individual and marital therapy is indicated for both of you.

If she continues to resist getting help for herself, you may have no choice other than to file for divorce.  Ideally, joint custody is always in the children’s best interest IF there is no concern about their mental, emotional, psychological, sexual or physical safety.  However, if things don’t change and if you do decide to file for divorce, sole custody with supervised visitation may be your only initial option.

Please let me know if I can be helpful in any way.

All the best,

xxBEATTY