Even though I am content with my choice to move abroad and rebuild my life post-divorce from the New York area five years ago (to France, and now Italy), I didn’t realize in the dizzying spell of potential and promise, how lonely I would be, at times. Not all the time, but sometimes, and that’s been hard. The occasional sting of seeing other couples, families, and friend groups together, especially during holidays and vacations, feels like a one-two punch. As if my nose is pressed against the window of a private club, and I’m not invited. On the other hand, what has sustained me are my friends with the grace to hold space. I have overcome those bitter twinges because I know I have the emotional tools to manage it and you will too, dear expat. It gets better. You will become stronger. You will do things you never thought possible in your home country. Become someone you hardly recognize and do amazing things like, change careers entirely, learn another language, navigate foreign bureaucracy, assert yourself, gain confidence, and above all, acquire a Zen level of patience and wisdom that comes from these experiences. There is no growth without pain.

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Of the five Christmas’s and Thanksgiving’s I’ve lived abroad, I’ve spent only a few with friends and family. School holidays can be quiet, but summer vacations are improving. There are times when I’ve felt isolated and alone, but I’ve grown accustomed to it which means you can eventually adapt to just about anything, and you will survive it, especially if you have friends. At the time it’s happening however, it just feels like a death sentence. But it isn’t. As for those other people, seemingly nestled in their cozy homes with family, I remind myself that they are probably just as discontent, but for a variety of other reasons, namely family dysfunction. They are probably secretly wishing they could trade places with me, and just be alone in peace. Peace is what I have and that counts for a lot. My new life has cost me my old one, but it was a price I have been willing to pay given the whole person I have become; confident, resilient, and more patient.

What has sustained me is my ability to cultivate friendships around the world. Good, solid friendships, with men and women who are fiercely loyal to me and that has made all the difference. Gather all the strength you can and have the audacity to ask for a phone number, invite someone new to lunch, and take the time to connect, deeply. The rewards are innumerable, and these precious friendships will be a lifeline for this next chapter of your new life.

Also, take a look at my preview copy of 101 Culture Hacks and leave me a review!

Next month: We explore concerns about the loss of income and the effect on personal identity. Share your questions or concerns with me at LLFinan@live.com