An excerpt from “You Are More Than You think Your Are” by Lynne Bernfield

As a child when we do something we’re criticized or punished for we experience an unpleasant physical sensation. To avoid that sensation, our brain learns to suppress the behavior that caused it. Over time we forget we have that quality or behavior. We believe we are less than we are.  This limited version of ourselves is our Cover Story, the qualities we think of as me. The qualities or behaviors which cased our distress have gone Undercover. To be who we really are we must recover our Undercover qualities.

We may keep secrets about ourselves from other people. We may laugh at a joke we don’t understand or put skills on our resume we don’t have. These untruths can sometimes cause trouble but the secrets we keep about ourselves, from ourselves, are more damaging.

As children Bob and Fran were shamed, criticized, or punished for being what their parents called ‘pushy.’ Over time they learned to suppress that impulse, and their self-protective ability to be assertive went Undercover. Today, when they need to ‘stand up’ for themselves, they can’t.

Bob is a workaholic. He knows for the sake of his health he should work less. But whenever he tries to schedule a vacation or delegate responsibilities, he gets a headache and can’t follow through.

 Fran’s husband teases and embarrasses her in public. Fran is angry and hurt. She wants to confront him and rehearses the speech she’ll give, but when the time comes, her mind is a blank.

This is not what they want to do; they can’t help it. When they try to act self-protectively their brains, remembering the price they paid for that behavior, stops them from risking it. This assures that Bob continues to live up to his ‘I endure’ Cover Story, Fran lives up to her ‘I’m invisible’ Cover Story, and their ability to ‘advocate’ for themselves, stays safely Undercover.

Do you remember being discouraged from demonstrating a particular quality i.e.,  “Don’t primp in the mirror – you’ll get a big head.”

If you were embarrassed for admiring yourself, you will soon want to avoid it.

“You’re not sad, you’re just tired!” If you were talked out of your emotions, you’ll soon deny you have them.

Discovering your Undercover

One of the ways we keep ourselves from revealing an Undercover quality is by labeling that quality as negative i.e. it’s bad, weak, stupid, even dangerous. When we encounter someone who demonstrates one of our Undercover qualities, we call them bad, weak, stupid, or even dangerous.  For example, if you were criticized for being ‘demanding’ you may label the ability to ask for what you want as selfish. And the people who do it as greedy, or inconsiderate.

You can learn a lot about the qualities you had to hide Undercover by noticing the who makes you angry or uncomfortable and what qualities you judge in other people: the character in a movie who makes your skin crawl, the relative you can’t bear to be around, or the co-worker you always avoid, could be demonstrating one of your Undercover qualities. The more intensely you react to the quality or the person, the more likely you’re in the presence of one of your Undercover qualities. In other words, “if you spot it, you got it!” You learned to conceal these qualities because demonstrating them caused you pain, so even considering you have them can be uncomfortable and scary.

“The lady doth protest too much.”

Lucy went into therapy because she was exhausted. She knew she was working too hard, but she couldn’t stop or even slow down. Her ‘conscientious’ Cover Story was driving her relentlessly. In a therapy session she suddenly started to talk about her neighbor. “He’s such a slug,” she said with contempt. “He can spend an entire afternoon just watching TV, I think it’s disgusting!” With this declaration Lucy assured herself she’d never act in such a “disgusting” way, safely distancing herself from her ability to be ‘self- indulgent,’ a quality she badly needed but had placed deeply Undercover.

Could you, like Lucy, be judging or having contempt for people who are demonstrating qualities you need but were forced to deny. Noticing which stories about yourself you enjoy telling and the ones you avoid, can help identify a Cover Story and shine a light on an Undercover quality.

Sam always talks about the deals he’s closed but never mentions the ones that got away. He believes his ‘I succeed’ Cover Story brings him love and admiration and his ‘I can fail’ Undercover would humiliate him. His wife Rebecca jokes about her bad judgment and never mentions the things she does well. She believes her ‘incompetent’ Cover Story makes her lovable and her ‘self-sufficient’ Undercover would get her abandoned.

Although you think of the qualities you’ve placed Undercover as unacceptable, you’re thinking about them from the perspective of a child whose parents disapproved of them or whose exposure caused you pain. If you spot an Undercover quality which repels you, take heart. All qualities can be seen positively and negatively; recklessness is often called courage and stinginess, thrift.

Fortunately, Undercover qualities are not deleted, only hidden waiting to be recovered. For a glimpse of the qualities, you’ve hidden Undercover do the Family Pie exercise published in November’s newsletter. The qualities in your pie piece describe your Cover Story, the qualities in the pie pieces of your family members, which don’t show up in your pie piece, are the ones you’ve hidden Undercover. In the next post I’ll describe the creation of Coping Skills