During the past 35 years as a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist, I have had the privilege of treating men and women of all ages and stages in life and from every socioeconomic group. In recent years, my clientele has consisted primarily of highly educated men and women who have found success in all facets of their lives except their love lives. Many of my patients are household names. They are people that we hear about and read about and see on television. They have money, fame and professional success. However, when it comes to relationships, love continues to elude them.

By the time they contact me, they are finally ready to figure out once and for all what the real issues are that have prevented them from finding lasting love. And more importantly, they are willing to acknowledge, address and RESOLVE these issues, whatever they may be. The process is not easy. It forces people to be introspective and honest with themselves, perhaps for the first time in their lives. It’s always easy to blame our relationship disappointments on others. It takes a special person with a high level of emotional maturity and motivation who is willing to take her blinders off, face their past failures honestly and learn the ABC’s of love.

Women spend months, even years fantasizing about love. Yet blinded by romance we frequently marry or commit to someone who we don’t really know. Think back to how many times you thought you knew everything there was to know about your partner. You believed that the person you were in love with was exactly who he seemed to be. You were sure that he was your perfect match and partner for life. Then suddenly, without warning..disaster. Your relationship was in shambles. Your mind was spinning. What went wrong? Chances are the signs were there all along. You just didn’t know what to look for.

Over the years, I have discovered that relationship success is dependent on 4 variables:

1. If each person is not in a good place emotionally and psychologically, it is not possible to have a healthy relationship with anyone. For example, if you or your partner have untreated clinical depression or bipolar disorder or have a substance abuse problem or you are haunted by the trauma of your early childhood sexual abuse, you will need to successfully deal with these issues’ first’. These skeletons in the closet will invariably get in the way of our relationships and will prevent us from finding, maintaining and sustaining healthy love. My patients are my heroes. They have finally acknowledged that unless they to do this kind of intensive work their cycle of disappointment in love will probably continue.

2. The majority of people have simply not learned the ingredients that go into a healthy, long lasting relationship and therefore, are ill-prepared and ill-equipped to determine whether a relationship is healthy or toxic. After all, where do we learn about healthy relationships? And who are our ‘healthy’ relationship role models? They certainly are not found on the dysfunctional reality shows that we see on television! People need to be willing to do their due diligence and educate themselves about what a healthy relationship is and is not.

3. We spend more time evaluating and assessing which car, computer or cellphone to buy than we do the person we’re dating. People need to be willing to learn how to honestly assess who’s right or wrong for you. In my next 3 Tomatoes articles, I will describe my 10-step, fail-safe formula, based on my book, For Better, For Worse, Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love. My formula is not romantic. Formulas aren’t by their very nature. But more importantly, it has been successfully used by thousands of men and women around the world for assessing who’s right or wrong for you before committing to any serious relationship. This will free you up to finally find and enjoy the happy, healthy, romantic love that we all have been searching for. And by the way, my research which was conducted with a sample of 450 people in the Providence, Boston and Connecticut areas found that it takes close to 1 year and not a few weeks or months to do a thorough evaluation. This process cannot be fast-forwarded.

4. We may believe we have found our perfect match. The stars have lined up. However, both people must be committed to developing and honing their emotional communication and problem-solving skills. It is these skills that will make or break your relationship.

So in the next few weeks I will share with you my Rate Your Mate BEFORE It’s Too Late: Never Make a Mistake in Love Again formula. It will educate and empower you and keep you safe… It will also change the way that you look at relationships forever.

I am looking forward to our journey together.

To love!

Do you have a question for Beatty? Email her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com