We are living in a disconnected and confusing time. No longer can we take for granted that the world we knew growing up would remain relatively stable and predictable.

I have been thinking a lot about how we can help the next generation find a way to thrive in chaos. The answer must be that we show them what challenges we’ve faced, how we have responded to them, and how to listen and care about others.

Where to begin: It starts small with our own families.

Recently, my only daughter asked me about one of my sisters she doesn’t know well. “I am curious what she was like growing up,” my daughter wondered. “How did she become who she is today?” It struck me then that I hold something precious that my daughter can’t fully access: our family history.

Step One: Telling your family story

The best way to build intergenerational connections is by telling the story of how your family came to be to your children and grandchildren. Some families are better at this than others.

At family gatherings, they regularly share stories about previous generations which become baked into family lore. Other families rely on scrapbooks, old letters, collectibles and artifacts from travel to reveal what was important to our parents and grandparents.

In my own family, learning about who came before me was “catch as catch can”. I had to piece it together, and there are definite gaps in my knowledge. I have always wished for more.

A friend recently told me she wrote a family history for her two daughters. “Was it a lot of work?” I asked. “Yes” she said, “but the story needed to be told. And there was no one to do it but me.”

Step Two: Naming your values

For centuries, Jewish parents have had a custom of creating ethical wills – a letter to their descendants which reveals the accumulation of wisdom and knowledge gained throughout their lives. Called Tzava’ot, these documents are freeform letters in which the authors describe the lessons learned in their lifetimes, how they found meaning in their lives, and what they want their loved ones to know about their cherished values.

I am not Jewish, but I want to embrace this custom. Here’s a suggestion if you don’t know where to begin:

• Write down words or phrases that come to mind about your childhood and young adult years.
• Build a short story around them. Don’t overcomplicate it. Write just one page if that’s easiest.
• Offer a reflection or lesson about what the experience meant to you.

Step Three: Demonstrating what matters

Rabbi and author Harold S. Kushner said: “Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who YOU are.”

Our children see what we do and how we behave. Sometimes, or often, we don’t explain the meaning behind how we vote, or where we volunteer, or what causes we support philanthropically.  While it would help build a deeper connection if we provided context, our children can still glean through observation even when we don’t offer a fuller explanation.

From a young age, our children begin to understand sharing and empathy. Initially, they may resist. But they learn.

• When encouraged to donate old toys, a 6-year-old said: “But what if my toys miss me?”​
• A 4-year-old, when asked to share his toys, responded: “I can’t share them all, or I’ll have nothing left to play with!”​
• A child, after giving away a piece of candy, remarked: “Sharing is fun, but eating it all by myself is funner!”​

Step Four: Be vigilant about opportunities to help children connect

Helping our children and grandchildren learn to connect is our responsibility. The first step is sharing yourself. Let me know your strategies for explaining how your family and personal connections have mattered to you — and how their own will matter to them — by writing to me at Ann@AnnLouden.com.