Friendships Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health

I must confess that recently, I decided to watch some old episodes of the television show Sex and the City, which first aired in 1998.   I was curious to see what if anything had changed in our culture during the past 27 years, in terms of women’s attitudes about love, sex, relationships, friendships, children and careers.  If you recall, the 4 heroines; starring Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie), Kim Cattrall (Samantha) Kristin Davis (Charlotte) and Cynthia Nixon (Miranda) were all single, had successful careers and were for the most part- financially independent. They were all obsessed with finding men, although it seemed as if Samantha was really only interested in having a lot of sex with multiple partners.  Of the four, she constantly talked about her sex life and reminded her friends that she was not a ‘relationship’ person. Was this because she may have feared emotional intimacy or getting hurt?  Or was she a woman who simply did not want or need both the emotional and physical closeness of a relationship?  It is said that Samantha had 41 male partners and one female partner throughout the series.  No judgment.  Just a fact.

Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda on the other hand, were looking for relationships and intimacy.  Each had their own personal issues, goals and dreams.  Miranda was afraid that having a deep and lasting relationship would interfere with her career and independence. She, therefore, consciously or unconsciously, chose men who satisfied her sexually, but who rarely had anything in common with her. It became easy for her to exit these relationships quickly, since there was no emotional attachment. When she discovered that she was pregnant, she considered having an abortion.  At the last moment at the abortion clinic, she decided that she would raise the baby on her own and work out a co-parenting arrangement with the biological father.   No longer do women need to depend on a man or another woman, if they choose to become mothers.

Charlotte was looking for a permanent relationship that included marriage and children. Finding the ‘right’ man who shared her dreams of living happily- ever- after proved to be very challenging.  When she finally decided to marry, waiting for her wedding day to have sex, she discovered that her new husband was unable to achieve an erection nor was he interested in having children. His priority was apparently pleasing his own mother. They divorced after being married for two years.   Lessons to be learned or not!

Carrie too talked a lot about looking for love.  Although she on occasion would have hook-up sex, she had two significant relationships- one with Aiden and one with Big.  Big was rich, handsome and a real charmer.  However, he was unavailable in almost every way.  In one episode, Carrie was walking down Fifth Avenue and passed a church where she saw that he had just gotten married. Despite multiple breakups with Big, before, during and after his marriage dissolved (where he continued to break her heart), Carrie was never able to extricate herself completely from this destructive and self destructive relationship.   In her other significant relationship with Aiden- her love and sexual attraction to him was not enough for her to be able to overcome her fear of commitment and intimacy to a man who truly loved her unconditionally and who wanted to marry her.  In a later episode, Carrie talked about how her own father abandoned her and her mother when she was five years old.  Trust and abandonment were issues that Carrie and many women (and men) struggle with.  These psychological roadblocks need to be acknowledged, addressed and resolved- as best as one can, in people’s search for a healthy love relationship.

What Do I Want and Need?

In our individual quests for happiness, each of us has to figure out how we want to live- including what we want and need and don’t want and need at different stages in our life. There are no universal right or wrong answers. What’s important is that we try to be as honest as possible with ourselves and make sure that whatever choices we make, our indeed choices that are in our best interest.

Has Anything Changed Since 1998 in the World Of Relationships?

Unfortunately, we continue in a downward spiral when it comes to the state of relationships.

FACT

1. The divorce rate for first marriages is 48%
2. Couples marrying for the second time divorce at a rate of 67%
3. The divorce rate for third marriages is 73%
4. 24%-25% of teenagers and college coeds find themselves in emotionally, physically or sexually abusive relationships.
5. 3 women are killed every day by an intimate partner.

The Key to Relationship Success

What I have discovered over the past 35 years as a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist is that if we ever wish to have a successful relationship with anyone we need to be willing to:

1. Ensure that we are in a good place emotionally and psychologically. This means dealing with our ‘skeletons in the closet’ and ‘unfinished business’, that continue to get in the way of our life and relationships.  All 4 women’s ‘unfinished business’  in Sex and the City clearly interfered  and prevented them from finding and maintaining a successful relationship. DO YOUR DUE DILLIGENCE!
2. Learn the actual ingredients that go into a happy and healthy relationship.
3. Read my book, For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love and learn once and for all how to accurately ASSESS who’s right or wrong for you BEFORE committing to any serious relationship.

Friendships Pass the Test of Time                            

The one constant throughout the series was the women’s love, commitment, loyalty and attachment to each other, despite the ups and downs of their relationships.  Frankly, I envied their friendships.  Knowing that you have good friends (even one will do), who you can call any time of the day of night-  and know that they will be there for you is a precious gift!  Studies show that friendships help to keep us happier, healthier (both emotionally and physically) and help us live longer than our isolated peers.

Whether you opt for love or friendship or both, be careful who you let into your life!   Do your homework, so that you can be the person who isn’t afraid to let love, friendship and romance into your life!