When the Surgeon General speaks, we listen. Dr. Vivek Murphy, the 19^th U.S. Surgeon General, has recently delivered a gripping message. In his new book, “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World”, Dr. Murphy addresses head on what happens when we are isolated.

Calling loneliness a public health concern, Dr. Murphy believes it is the root cause of addictions, violence, depression and anxiety, as well as physical maladies. Our ability to process our emotions, work through conflict, and deal with life’s challenges, he says, comes down to how connected and supported we feel.

Here’s the rub: as humans, we are wired for connection. We need to be around people to survive. We need to feel nurtured, heard, understood, and valued. We need to learn, get feedback, and grow by being a part of a community.

And yet, we are often unsure how to connect. We don’t know how to ask. And we don’t know who to ask. We may be waiting for someone to connect to us. But the hard truth is that if we are to have good, solid connections, we must initiate them.

Three reasons being disconnected puts you in harm’s way

If we don’t take responsibility for connecting, we stay disconnected at our own peril.

Here’s why:

• From birth, we have needed others to survive. Our dependency on our families of origin helped us navigate danger, find sustenance, and grow into youth and adulthood. Once our basic needs for shelter and housing were met, we flourished by having others we could trust guide us and be there for us. This trust factor gives us a way to safely navigate and interpret the world. Being able to trust in others is as important in adulthood as it is in childhood. Without trust, we cannot create structure. And structure is what gives life meaning. The loneliest people have no order to their days, and nothing to look forward to.
• Life is full of twists, turns, and transitions. Just when we think we have the world figured out, here comes a challenge. Maybe it’s the end of a relationship. Maybe it’s the loss of a job. Maybe it’s a health scare. What do we do when life throws us those curve balls? We turn to those closest to us – for advice, commiseration, listening – to get us through. But if you experience one or more life challenges and no one is there to catch you, what happens? You may seek unhealthy ways of coping. You may despair. You may even give up.
• When we are most distressed, we tend towards pessimism. We are likely to ruminate. We sometimes give ourselves negative messages. And if we are alone, we don’t have the opportunity to feel better by sharing our distress with others. Equally as important, we can’t supplant those negative internal thoughts with more positive, realistic ones.

What can you do now to get connected?

•  Start with those closest to you. Be there when you can for family. Cultivate friendships that are valuable to you. Recognize who matters most to you. Make a list if that helps. Who are the five people who mean a lot to you? How much are you staying in touch with them?
• Figure out what’s missing in your community and go after it. Do you need professional resources (like doctors, educators, clergy)? They count too as connections. Take the initiative to find the best and the most helpful.
• Extend assistance to others. Help to be helped. Life always gives back what you put into it. Life certainly doesn’t give back when you make no investments.

I agree that it’s overly simplistic to say that making connections is easy. Making connections – and being a connector – takes effort. But where there is effort, there is reward.

Think of being a connector as imperative to your health and well-being. And then take action to give yourself the gift of optimum well-being. Don’t delay finding community for yourself. It could mean the difference between thriving and just surviving.

 Tell me what connections have made a difference in your life. I want to hear about your experiences at Ann@AnnLouden.com.