In times of crisis — when we receive bad news or battle extraordinary challenges — our coping skills are directly impacted by how understood and supported we feel.

When Kate Middleton’s brave video message about her cancer diagnosis was recently released, more than 104 million people viewed the video worldwide. There was universal sadness over Kate’s news and the impact on her, her family, and the Monarchy.

Called the “Kate Effect”, people have been talking and sharing more openly about the impact of cancer in their lives. Cancer screenings of all kinds have shown an immediate uptick.

Most significantly, cancer patients feel seen and supported by Kate’s willingness to speak candidly about this most private of news. Having a public figure reveal a cancer experience helps remove the sense of isolation and loneliness that comes with the diagnosis of a critical illness.

My cancer journey

When I was diagnosed with cancer 17 years ago, I can still vividly recall the feelings of helplessness and terror. In an instant my life went from normal, to trying to absorb the confusion and shock of learning I had a life-threatening disease.

I was at a total loss.

After being told I had a malignant tumor in my breast, I remember stumbling out of the mammogram clinic and getting as far as the staircase leading to the parking lot. I plopped down on the top step, where I sat crying, looking up at the insanely blue Texas skies. I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. I walked numbly to my car where I got in and stared for what seemed like hours at the silent dashboard. I couldn’t turn the car on. I didn’t know where to go.

Pull yourself together, I kept thinking. Call someone.

I tried the number of a friend who was a three-time breast cancer survivor. When she answered the phone, a huge wave of relief washed over me.

I wasn’t going to be alone. Fortunately for me, the breast cancer advocacy community is huge and public. I could access others who had gone through everything I was getting ready to experience.

Immediately, I felt understood and supported by those who had preceded me on the journey I was about to take. It wasn’t an easy experience. But it would have been an impossible one without the connections I already had, and the many new ones I made.

How do you build connection in crisis?

When you face hard times, it is easy to shut down. It’s difficult to know what to do next.

Your first question should always be: “Who do I know who can help me?”

If you know where you can seek advice, you are one step ahead. But if you don’t – which is common – start asking others who they know. We are often only two or three people removed from the connections we seek. They aren’t inaccessible. Persevere!

Three things to know about connecting to others when you need them

1. Put aside any shame in asking for help. We often worry we are bothering others when we need assistance. While it’s true that some might not respond in the way we hope, it’s also true that the vast majority of people will be there for you.
2. Be specific about the kind of support you are looking for. The more detail you offer, the more likely you’ll find the connections you need.  You want a referral to a qualified medical professional?  Legal advice in a niche area? Recommendations for a specific service? A listening ear?
3. Always express gratitude. One of the highest compliments we can pay others is to ask for their thoughtful advice. But that comes with a disclaimer. If we ask, but don’t say thank you, the reception we get next time may not be as enthusiastic. When you are the “asker”, don’t forget to let the person who helps you know how appreciative you are.

Here’s hoping that you actively seek connections to get you through the inevitable challenges life throws your way. Absolutely none of us are spared, even the Kate Middletons of the world, who appear on the outside to lead charmed lives. The first step is to know that you can’t do it alone. The second is to identify and find those you want at your side. It’s up to you!

Let me know how your connections have helped you through challenging times. I want to hear at Ann@AnnLouden.com.