Celebrated by millions for her vocal talents, Aretha Franklin knew both fame and fortune. But her origin story was far from easy, and that emotional heartbreak was palpable in her music.

When Aretha was 6 years old, her parents divorced after years of a stormy marriage. As a shy and withdrawn child, Aretha clung to her mother. But just four years later, her mother unexpectedly died of a heart attack. Now motherless herself, by age 14, Aretha had given birth to two sons by different men whom she never named.

The trauma of her own childhood did not equip her to seek healthy relationships. Her two marriages were abusive and turbulent and ended in divorce. Her second husband Ted White – more pimp than spouse — openly roughed her up in public even as he built her career. Aretha turned to alcohol to cope. According to her biographer: “Even drunk she could sing better than ninety-nine out of a hundred singers. Most people couldn’t tell anything was wrong.”

Violence also cut short the life of her charismatic and philandering minister father. Shot by burglars, he died from his wounds five years later. His and Aretha’s was a complicated relationship, beginning with her awareness of his being a voracious ladies’ man, and her touring with him as a young girl, frequently putting her in early and confusing sexualized situations.

As if all this wasn’t enough challenge, Aretha struggled with her body image and was consumed by trying to maintain an appearance she believed was expected of her by the public. Too afraid to fly, she missed performance opportunities when getting to venues proved impossible.

And yet through all of it, Aretha made and kept friendships and counted on them for solace and support. From Smokey Robinson to Elton John, to Gladys Knight, to Robert De Niro, to Oprah Winfrey, Aretha manifested the power of connections for protection and grounding in her life.

Living through hard times

 Look around you today. Our country is fractured. This time feels confusing and hard.

Even before this moment, no doubt you’ve experienced hardship. Whether it’s been a tough relationship issue, a health crisis, a life-sized disappointment, a job challenge, or a catastrophic emergency, none of us get by unscathed.

Sometimes the stress and distress are temporary; other times it can be lengthy and long lasting.

Five Ways to Make Connections Before You Need Them

You know the quote: “Sadness shared is divided; joy shared is multiplied.”  So too are the advantages of making deposits in our “bank of connections” before needing a withdrawal.

Here are five practical tips for building connections now:

•  You choose. With the fractious nature of our world, it’s likely some of our relationships may not withstand the stresses of politics. That’s okay. We all need boundaries. When you do find your tribe, be proactive in keeping those connections strong.
• Take responsibility. Connections will happen only if you are thoughtfully and actively building them. Even for connectors, focusing on connections is not always top of mind. So, help yourself succeed. Decide on a plan, calendar it, and dedicate time.
• Stay mindful about saying thank you. With demanding lives, we may not always express gratitude in a timely fashion. If you can’t be prompt, be creative. Saying thank you in a memorable and clever way can make up for any unavoidable lateness.
• Remember birthdays. Forget about social media as the expedient method to wish a happy birthday. Make your greeting personal so that it stands out from the rest. Today it’s a welcome novelty when family and friends take the time to communicate directly.
• Remember conversations. When describing our closest relationships, we often will say: “We just picked up right where we left off.” But that’s only possible if you recall how your most recent visit concluded. Keep a note of when you last spoke to a connection, and how you left off at the close of that visit. Then you’ll recall where to begin again!

 The Connection Pay-off

We know intellectually that life is short. But it’s also the longest thing you’ll ever do. You’ll absolutely need support throughout. If you are an intentional connector, you’ll have it. Let me know the value that your connections have brought to you at Ann@AnnLouden.com.