Suddenly it started to rain. I was outside playing punchball. I ran into the house and my father was sitting in the living room. I flung myself onto his lap and wrapped my arms around him.

“I love you daddy!”

He looked at me without a smile.

“I don’t like phonies.”

I remember feeling confused and hurt. Why did he think I was a phony?

Wasn’t he supposed to smile, hug me, and repeat I love you just like the parents on TV?

For him, loud and showy displays of emotion were to be distrusted. I discovered this after much study later on.

I adored television as a kid. It was filled with stories of love and adventure kid to kid and parents to kids. Hearing and seeing a warm embrace with parties saying: “I love you” was frequent. I thought this was the way to be.

As I grew older, I understood that my father believed actions mattered more than words. He believed that providing for his family and giving me a good education was an expression of love.

He, at times, could be playful and fun. When he occasionally came home from work early, I would be watching TV. He would throw his hat onto my head like a ring toss. At least that’s what I thought. He probably snuck up behind me and dropped his cap on my head. I loved it. But his stern words and harsh criticism worried me and made me feel I didn’t deserve his approval.

Writer Norman Mailer’s first article for Esquire Magazine was titled The Language of Men. It was a moving tale about a man in the army who wanted to be appreciated by and accepted by his fellow soldiers. He wasn’t athletic or mechanically inclined and found himself doing his best work as a cook. The tale explodes with his deep sadness that his extraordinary culinary work went unacknowledged by his fellow army mates. He never used the standard dried rations and lukewarm coffee. He suffered not understanding the silences or lack of expressed gratitude.

He didn’t know the code. Every language has a cultural underpinning a code. Man to man, woman to woman there are recognizable codes.

I will reference men and women in the US and other Western cultures. There are variations in the use of space and the nature of directness in cultures. The best resources on this subject are the works of anthropologist and author Edward Hall.

My Dad was very stern whose communication style was short and direct unless he felt compelled to offer a one-way lecture on some historical fact. He was very fond of lecturing about Genghis Khan. (This will be food for another article.)

After observing my mother’s style of communication which had a host of non-verbal communications. She didn’t have to say a word to communicate her displeasure. With other women friends, she was talkative and animated. She stayed mostly in listening mode around my father.

Despite her silence, I know they were happily married for two months short of fifty years. I tried taking them each away for a day at a time to be with me. They both complained about how much they missed the other.

Like many, I wanted to be different from my parents. I embraced language, speech, and presentation skills throughout my education. My career choice to work in television was due to my curiosity about what determined effective communication.

In my early years in TV News, I received a harsh immersion into the differences in the way men spoke or shouted commands.

“Get me that script.”

The news director would yell a command:

“Get that to the studio.”

“That is absolutely wrong. Rewrite it.”

When I started in the newsroom there were mostly men. I never let them see me cry.

Broadcast news has a language based on the terse economical speech of midwestern men and the need for quick action. Never use unnecessary words. Say everything simply and clearly. The flowery long descriptive passages we studied in English lit were definitely frowned upon.

I got better at it over time. It even helped me do less padding or what you would consider prefacing. I used to do a lot of prefacing: “I would like to talk with you about …..If you have time, would it be alright to discuss….. This I discovered was a definite turnoff in the newsroom. Getting to the point was highly valued. Women in the newsroom found this to be a fine dance because there was always a danger of seeming too harsh or aggressive

Nurturing words is not a man thing.

The roles men played in society helped shape the way they communicate. In many cultures, they held the dominant positions of power and authority.

Men’s language often evolved in environments such as workplaces, political arenas, and public forums, where assertiveness, directness, and clarity were valued. These traits became the norm and the standard for effective male communication.

Understanding this style helped me become a popular talk show host and serious news professional. Mentors like Dave Marash and the style of Peter Jennings helped shape my questions and gave me the skill to handle male silence even when the camera was live.*

Key Characteristics of Men’s Language in the US and particularly in the business sectors.

I observed men and women crushed and disheartened who did not understand male speech. A great resource on this subject is author Deborah Tannen.

Here are the keys to deciphering the code:

This will help you understand and communicate more effectively and avoid the hurt. This is based on my study and presentation of works by Edward Hall and Deborah Tannen.

1. Directness and Assertiveness: One of the most commonly noted features of men’s language is its directness. Men tend to communicate focusing on facts and clear statements rather than nuances.

2. A Competitive Tone: Men’s communication is often competitive rather than cooperative. When men engage in conversations they seem to be seeking to dominate or gain the upper hand.

3. They are always looking to solve the problem. When faced with issues, they offer advice or propose specific actions. They are often not good at expressing empathy or understanding.

4. Humor plays a role. It can be found in male bonding behavior. This can be very confusing. Humor does not translate well across all cultures.

Here’s a sample dialogue.

Woman Feeling Sad and Man Unsure of What to Say

Greg: What’s wrong honey?

Ann: “I don’t know. Work has been stressful, and I feel like I’m getting behind.”

Greg: “Oh that’s difficult. Have you thought about talking to your boss about how stressful the work is?

Ann: “No. It’s not just work, it’s everything. I just feel overwhelmed.”

Greg: “Maybe we can figure out a way to handle everything. Make a list of what needs to be done and tackle it step by step?”

Ann: (frustration is setting in) “I know you’re trying to help, but I don’t need solutions right now. I just need someone to listen.”

Greg: “Oh, okay. I’m here to listen. I’m not sure what to say.”

Author Deborah Tannen says women generally view conversation as a way to create and sustain relationships, while men often see it as a means to assert independence and negotiate their status. Men often just want to fix things.

To avoid the hurt, learn the code. It helped me understand my Dad’s love for me at a deeper level.

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