Editors’ Note: Check out Dr. Ruth’s posts from our Three Tomatoes’ archives.

At 95, therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer is the undisputed darling of America for her frank and open advice about sex. But if that’s all you know of her fame, you may have missed the recent news of Dr. Westheimer’s latest appointment by New York Governor Kathy Hochul. (It all happened because Dr. Westheimer had a personal epiphany during Covid.)

Living alone on the upper west side after her husband Fred Westheimer died 26 years ago, Dr. Westheimer had a disorienting brush with pandemic loneliness. Prior to being isolated during the many solitary months of New York’s shutdown, Dr. Westheimer was always on the go.

Her 66-year-old daughter explains: “She loved going out. She never had food in the house because she almost never ate dinner at home. She would just eat out every night and bring home some leftovers for the nights that she was, by chance, home. This was a total dramatic change for her.”

With lockdowns and social distancing, Dr. Westheimer had lots of time to ponder the impact of isolation. She had been a lonely child. Fearing she wouldn’t survive the purge of Jews in Germany during World War II, her orthodox Jewish family sent her at 10 years old to a children’s home in Switzerland. She was safe, but she was never to see her family again.

“I live with 150 people – and am alone,” she wrote in her diary in 1945 at age 17. “Everything is bleak, grey and empty.”

Rereading her diary entries during Covid, the suffering of her youth and young adulthood came rushing back. She recalled not just the pain, but also the shame of having no friends. At 19 on her birthday, she lamented: “Nobody is congratulating me. All the congratulations I’m reciting to myself!”

Those experiences not only profoundly shaped her, they instilled a desire to help others. Fast forward to today, Dr. Westheimer asked Gov. Hochul for a new role: Loneliness Ambassador for New York State. Impressed by the offer and aware of the need, Gov. Hochul said yes.

 Dr. Ruth’s commitment to building connections:

Before making the announcement, Gov. Hochul had this to say:

“Dr. Ruth Westheimer has offered her services to help older adults and all New Yorkers cope with the loneliness epidemic, and I will be appointing her as the nation’s first state-level honorary ambassador to loneliness.”

Imagine if every state could have a designated ambassador who recognizes the danger for those who are alone and brings a creative and thoughtful approach to address the loneliness challenge.

In accepting her new appointment, Dr. Westheimer pledged: “I am deeply honored, and promised the governor that I will work both day and night to help New Yorkers feel less lonely!”

Five observations Ruth Westheimer makes about loneliness:

• People often don’t want to talk about how they feel. “The first thing to do is to have the courage to say you’re lonely,” she says. “Then you can do something about it.”
•  Own up to what is missing. Westheimer draws comparisons between developing and keeping a healthy sex life to building and maintaining a healthy social life. “No one wants to admit to having trouble with intimacy, and no one wants to admit to not having enough friends.” 

• Staying busy is the first step in moving outside yourself. Being occupied and productive can remove the sting of isolation. But keep in mind that busyness by itself will not make you feel connected. What builds connection is never missing an opportunity to engage with the people who cross your path. 

• Helping others is a redemptive way to build connections. What you do for other people can open the door to developing authentic relationships. Volunteering, giving time, and giving back are all ways to support others. 

• Cultivate intergenerational friendships. Ruth’s books on grandparenting are part of her extensive work to bridge age differences and bring generations together. But you don’t have to be a grandparent to make friends with those in a different age group. What each generation can learn from the other will deeply enrich shared experiences.

So, take it from Dr. Ruth. If you are feeling lonely, there is no shame in asking for help. Remember that having positive and enriching connections start with you. So, don’t delay. Let me know what steps you plan to take. Write to me at Ann@AnnLouden.com.